A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir..'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says,'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth,'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says,'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE *#@% <http://us.mc538.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=*#@%> UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail ,
Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
Throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
Them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
Defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
Room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and
Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a
Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
Decided to have some fun.... He told her to go home and blow into the
Tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
Harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot,
And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she
Bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things
Cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, ' What do you have in it?'
The blond replied......'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST --
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
My mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the
Day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and
I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of
hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'
Blondes Are The Best!!!
Traveling sales man broke down by FB's house.
He knocked on the door and asked to use a phone.
Aint got one, says FB, but I can take you into town if you can wait 'till mornin'.
The salesman agrees and thanks him for the hospitality.
Jeet yet? asks FB
No, replies the salesman
So FB fixes him a plate of fried rabbit and taters.
The salesman notices that the plate is dirty and speaks up.
Hate to sound rude, but this plate is dirty.
I know, replies FB, thats as clean as cold water can get it.
Oh, says the salesman, I understand. And he finishes his supper and goes to bed.
The next mornin FB wakes up the salesman to get ready.
As they are eating their pancakes, noticing the dirty dishes, the salesman again speaks up.
I know says FB, thats as clean as cold water can get it.
After breakfast, they walk out the door to leave.
On the porch is an old beagle hound, one of them ugly ones, like Jeff Gammons,
FB drops the tailgate of the truck, and hollers, "Come on Coldwater, we're going to town!"
An elderly couple are attending church services.
About halfway through, she writes a note and
Hands it to her husband.
It says, " I just let out a silent fart,
What do you think I should do?" He
Scribbles back , " Put a new battery in
Your hearing aid."
Blonde goes to the hairdresser. She is wearing a set of headphones. The hairdresser said you will have to remove these so I can fix you hair. The Blonde replies "My Doctor said to never remove these or I will die" The hairdresser keeps working on her and finally cannot finish the cut and perm without removing them so she decides to remove them quickly. The Blonde drops dead. The Hairdresser is confused??? She calls 911, while waiting she decides she needs to see what was so important for these headphones to not be removed so she put them on. What she heard was breathe in, breathe out,breathe in, breathe out !!!!!!!!! :clap::clap::headscratch:
Here's an oldy but a goody. My uncle told me that he had a beagle hound back during the depression said he was so smart if he grabbed the shot gun and headed out the door the dog would follow suite and run rabbits if he picked up a .22 the dog would tree squirrels if it was daylight and ***** if it was dark. he decided to throw it a curve one day and headed out the door with a rod and reel he said that ol dog jumped up and took off at a dead run. he said he waited about 30 minutes and the dog didnt come back he hopped in the truck drove down the street to the creek . when he got there that hound was down there on the creek bank diggin up worms.:beagle::wink:
young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother. "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic.."
Suddenly she bust out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language, things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
FOUR LETTER WORDS ..............
"Honey," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me what he said. What could be so awful. What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you mama," wept the daughter." I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing the bride said, "Oh mama... words like:
DUST, WASH, IRON, and COOK."
"I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the mother.
I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I Couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued, and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' Replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'A$$ Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President Of the United States."
Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien Thibodeaux.Thibodeaux said "Boudreaux , you seedat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can'tget rid of dem." Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dembull constriptors." Thibodeaux say, Whats a bull constriptor?". Boudreaux explains, "man. dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once".
Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle andjust sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time,I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn andslept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around. So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake.Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus
lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux say,"I wasjust listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a
large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said,
'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would
startle the driver so badly. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my very first day driving a cab . . . . . . . . . . . I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.'